What with assignments, rehearsals, dance routines & exams to worry about.
I am coping quite well as I know when to pick my upself up when I fell.
But unfortunately, not everything is being handled well w the same methods.
I am currently facing something that I've kept myself in denial about all along.
& I refused to confess it to myself and make myself see the truth behind it all.
I chose the path where I wont have to deal w it greatly & so emotionally.
A path where I thought I should just go w the flow & worry about stuffs when time calls for it.
But no. Things always have to go the opposite way.
I am hurting inside, I must admit.
But no matter how hard I try to vent it over to someone, I regretted it & ended up apologising for what I did.
& after I do that, I would start to think so deep that I couldnt stop myself.
I will fall into a daze most of the time and sometimes, even start to think ridiculous issues.
nobody can stop me from doing this cause this is when I know what I should or should not do.
when I look for someone to talk to about it, I always make sure it's someone I can trust
and someone who actually listens to me w his/her heart and not just w ears.
I dont have to receive comforting words or advices cause they are all the same.
I will be contented enough to just have someone being there for me in times of need.
It would be better if that someone is the main subject of topic.
I know I am stronger than this.
I've been through more hell than this.
& Alhamdulillah, I've survived & mature throughout the process.
Whatever negative feelings I've gone through, I have every intention not to go through it again.
The horrors & nightmares of them. No freaking way.
But, this is life. & sadly, life's full of them no matter how hard we try to avoid them.
All we can do is to bite the bullet and just go through it all.
The trick depends on how you actually smartly handle the whole issue.
I dont know what's going on anymore.
I dont know what I'm doing anymore.
I dont want to actually go through the same freaking routine everytime, everyday.
But I have no choice. Reality bites & I can hardly find a way out of this maze.
Everywhere I turn, there's bound to be an obstacle so hard that I almost gave up a few times.
But, I didnt cause there were so many angels around me, helping me to fight back.
They were there when I needed them and were ever so willing to reach out their hands to help.
It's sad though that the one I have been needing all this while lately, werent there.
Cant be there physically always, I understand.
But not being there even to just listen, is bad enough.
So who else can I turn to but my guardian angels around, right?
& I am ever so grateful for having them around & I appreciate their love, care & concern for me.
You sweethearts know who you all are. ((:
I thought I would feel better like I always do after typing out my long post.
Surprisingly though, I dont feel an inch better after doing so.
I'm hurting so badly inside, everyone can see that.
Unfortunately, the one that I had hoped so much for to just have a tiny hunch about it, is blinded so badly.
It was always the outside that caught the attention.
What's happening inside, hardly anyone knows a thing.
But it's alright cause I'm going to continue doing what I should have done a long time ago.
I'm going to control my feelings and just bottle everything inside till I forget about them.
I will no longer vent it out or let it out as often as I used to.
There will be the chosen few I will share my problems w.
Other than that, I'll stop bothering so much & just keep going w the flow.
What's the point letting the whole world know when the one that I hoped to share w isnt there anymore?
The one who changed so much I can hardly recognise who he was.
The one who was never there anymore.
The one who crushes my hopes so badly, I had to push feelings & thoughts of regrets out of my mind & heart.
Like I said, I dont know what's going on anymore.
I'll try to continue putting smiles wherever I go like I am doing now.
I'll try to not let my emotions run wild & be a walking zombie.
Because I know, I am stronger than this.
But it's a bad sign when my energy level are being sucked away continunously right at this v moment.
All I can do is to stare into space every night before I head to bed.
& when at times it gets so hard that I can barely handle, I will have to cry myself to sleep to tire my mind & body enough to get into a deep sleep.
I've been having sleepless nights lately & I blame myself for thinking too much.
But I'm contented enough to have God watching over me every now & then.
Alhamdulillah. ((:
please come back, wherever you are.
i'm begging you.