I am very close to being a wreck.

It's more personal than just plain laziness.
It's losing that interest there.
Yes, fuck school. It's putting heavy burdens on my shoulder.
Yes, I feel like quitting and just put the whole fucking thing behind me & move on.
Yes, I'm going to disappoint my parents further.
Yes, I'm going to disappoint everybody further.
Yes, I'm a loser who quits halfway when she cant handle things no more.
Yes, yes, yes and YES.

But no.
I told myself, from the start, I am not going to give up and give in.
I can cure my laziness.
I can bring back the interest that I had in the first place that got me to audition getting a place in Nafa.
I am not going to just let my talents go to waste when they are babies.
My pride and joy.
I'm not good academically. Sad to say, I've always only passed my language papers.
Leave that to my 2nd sister.
I am not like her. She has a bright future, I'm sure of it cause she's backed up academically good.
I rely on my talents to carry me far in the future and making it my career.
Now, yall are asking, how am I going to do that if I dont put in the effort and work hard?
I do but I never really give my 100% cause I'm afraid of losing it just like that in a snap cause something bad happens.
I did not put in any high expections that is why I didnt have the motivation to strive harder.
So where am I now exactly?
That's what I've been asking myself lately.
& today, when I woke up, I told myself, I am going to start anew next week.
After I'm done w the bloody presentation for Western Theatre History, I'm going to give myself a weekend vacation.
Who wants to join me?

I think the school pushes us really hard.
& yet, there is no real break in between for us to rejuvenate ourselves.
What w the 2 weeks tutorial full of make up lessons and rehearsals.
We're not robots. We do get tired.
Wait a minute, even batteries on robots wear out.
What more us?
I'm already halfway through Year 2.
Taking 12 fucking modules at one time.
(I know. Crazy right? No wonder I'm going insane real fast!)
It is a pity if I just quit like that and get some low paying job to get me by.
I just need another chance.
Another chance to prove myself wrong.
To show myself that I can do this. I can go further than I can imagine.
Like I said, all I need is another chance.
From myself.

Dear God, You heard me last night.
You heard my prayers, my words last night before I sleep.
I'm sure You will help me along the way.
I know You're always there looking out for me.
& the reason I am going on, is because of You.
Cause I believe, You have every reason in why I'm born w it.
& I want to make those reasons a reality.
InsyaAllah w Your help & everybody elses, I'm gonna shine.
Brighter than those stellars I never fail to look at every night.
Amin. ((:

I need to go clear my mind now.
Laterr!